sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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