Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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