I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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