the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
