my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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