I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
