If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
