My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
