I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
