well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
if only i could text you this smell
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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