Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
