if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
