I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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