im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
