dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
