Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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