so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
