I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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