doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
