my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
