Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
