I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
