Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
