if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
