we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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