The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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