i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
