So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
