we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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