I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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