half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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