You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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