You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
