OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
