not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
