I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
