I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
