there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
