My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
