Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you had me at cake vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
