When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
