Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
