My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize