My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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