can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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