does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
