Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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