Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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