I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
false alarm, still single
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