If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Mom said you looked used
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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