my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
