I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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