i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
